Wednesday, October 29, 2008

...And We're Back

That's right, the Swog is back. It's a new season, and I know all of you missed my high school humor and super duper wit. Plus, I couldn't stay away, blogging is an addiction. Not like crack er nothin, that's gross and really bad for you (I hear). It's more like being addicted to the Orange Chicken at Panda Express. I mean, that shit is really good. I tell myself I don't need it, but I'm just foolin myself. Of course I do.

Maybe they sprinkle the crack into the sauce!
And you know what else? I need to blog. I need to talk about the Wizards, the NBA, and every once in a while, really dumb shit that bothers me, and every other once in a while when I'm not blogging about shit that bugs me, I'll talk about hot cheerleaders. Everybody loves hot cheerleaders. But the Wizards played a game last night, first one of the season, and I made sure to watch every second. What follows is an almost true account of what transpired.

I ate a burrito during the second quarter. It was good. It was during this time the Wizards started to play particularly well. Or so it seemed. The first quarter had been filled with some made 3's and a couple 18 footers to go along with our 3-10 shooting under the rim. After such a poor performance, I felt like some guacamole was necessary. Some hot sauce too. So I opened the little hot sauce container, unrolled my burrito and proceeded to pour said hot sauce onto said burrito. Same with the guac. Now comes the re-wrap. During this time, EJ was throwin some spicy chicken at his players, explaining to them that they need to get to the rim. Maybe it wasn't spicy chicken. But
I found some on my shorts so I figured it had to have been him. Whatever he said to (or threw at) them, it worked, because the 2nd quarter was mucho better. Blatche calmed down, ET stopped trying to look for shots and became a facilitator, and Jamison actually HIT a 3-pointer (his first and only of the game). Although the Wizards were only up by two at this point, they were doing a much better job defending in the paint, allowing only 2 baskets on 5 attempts. You do know why, right? It was my burrito. Burrito-power. But anyway, I was about half-way through my burrito when half-time rolled around but I was pretty stuffed, so I decided to take a burrito break.

And you can too. Please take 2 minutes and 31 seconds of your time to learn the history of the word burrito from my favorite schoolteacher and yours, Hot For Words.

...I didn't know either, don't feel bad.

So back to the game. When the second half began, so too did the reconquest of my burrito. But something didn't look right in the 3rd quarter. Maybe it was that our 2nd basket didn't come until 6:09 in? Or maybe it was that the first had been nearly 5 minutes prior? Perhaps it was the guacamole/bean/burrito juice on my shorts? Or maybe it was the Nets' 6-7 shooting inside the paint. Nah, it was probably Jamison's 4 missed 3-pointers. It definitely was not the rumble in my stomach screaming Hibachi! (In fact, it was a slow mumble, something like "doooooop" or "chuuuuute", I couldn't tell). Whatever it was, it was sucking. But my burrito was still good, so I hadn't lost hope. It's the first game of a LONG season, and we were playing the Kifferson-less Nets (ahhh, but you say they themselves were playing the Areewood-less Wizards, and you would be correct, and I would hate you for it). But seriously folks, what happened? We seemed to have a plan in the first half, and in the 2nd, everything seemed to not work. But what was worse, was when plays didn't work, everyone would stand around and wait for whomever had the ball to do something. I think I saw MAYBE 3-4 cuts through the lane when plays stopped working. I will say this. JaVale McGee can friggin rebound. And block too. I swear, you could tie sheets to that dude's arms and legs and para-glide his ass all the back to Barcelona. We missed all 7 shots around the arc on the right side of the court and only made 2 on the left side. Although they went 4-7 inside the paint, the Nets simply dominated the 3rd quarter. But you know what? I'm used to that. The Wizards wouldn't be the Wizards if they didn't slack off in the third quarter after playing a particularly good half. So I continued watching. And eating. (Yeah, it's a large burrito, so what?).

1/1000000 scale

The 4th quarter was not much better. 4-11 from the field, 1-5 behind the arc, 14 total rebounds and -386 assists. We got close, but in the end, that VC 3-pointer sealed the deal. I was upset. My burrito was gone, the Wizards had lost their season opener, at home no less, and soon, I was gonna have to make a trip to the bathroom real soon. I simply HAD to read the newest Maxim. I know it's a very long season, and truthfully, I think the Wizards played well, they are simply rusty. I wish EJ could figure out a way around that, cause it seems like it happens every year. We overcame a rough start last year, but I didn't wear my jersey and I couldn't even attend this year, so it HAS to be different.

Overall, I like McGee. I liked him when I saw him in Vegas at Summer League and in pre-season, and I liked that EJ had enough confidence to put him in tonight. Dee Brown made some nice passes, but I'm still undecided. He was ok at Summer League, but not great. I'll be happy when Gil is back. Juan Dixon wasted 5 possessions by chucking up shots, only going 1-4 from the field and o'fer 2 from behind the arc. I would have liked to see DMac in the game a bit more. I know he's not a scorer, but he always seems to have a positive affect when he's on the floor (I will prove this, one day). Jamison needs to either hit 3's or stop taking them, one or the other. He was ice cold tonight. As a team, we need to pass more. The 18 assist total simply will not cut it. We rarely win when the assist total is under 20. Committing 15 turnovers and going 37% from the field didn't help either. But like I said, I'm not worried (yet). I've got plenty of time to worry before Gil comes back.

It was fun speaking to you all again. I hope you enjoyed my burrito as much as I did. Now I have to go recycle it.